Original Version By: Unknown - Edited By: Steve and Ted
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. In fact, you usually have to refer to the instructions each time you want to open it. The pop-top is along the same lines as UNIX beer's. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. This beer is discontinued, although a lot of people keep drinking even after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many non Mac beer drinkers to be a "light" beer although all Mac drinkers swear it is the easiest to open and drink and is way ahead of the others. All the cans look identical and all Mac beers taste identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself - which is frowned upon by the hard-core DOS beer drinkers who claim the heart of beer drinking is opening it yourself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can and originally the trash sporadically emptied itself, though that doesn't happen any more. The notice also reminds you to buy the newest version of Mac Beer which is usually available about 10 weeks after you bought this one. If you drink Mac Beer, then you must also eat food which is compatible with Mac Beer and there isn't much of it.
Windows 3.1 Beer: Comes in a 16-oz. can and requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. Windows Beer is also discontinued, but there are a lot of people still drinking it.
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. Sometimes when you open a OS/2 beer, the can is empty. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer: The can looks amazing like Mac Beer's can, but still tastes kind of like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. The newest versions still come in 32 oz cans but with nearly 24 oz of beer in them. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Cans have a tendency to explode regularly, but don't really make much of a mess, just a pain to replace damaged beer on almost a weekly basis. If you drink Windows 95 beer, then you must also eat food which is compatible with Windows 95 beer, but there's really a lot of it to choose from.
Windows 98 Beer: Looks and tastes exactly like Windows 95 Beer, but with fancier pull-tabs. Comes in 32 oz cans, but still only about 16 to 24 ozs of beer, depending on where you drink it. People who drink Windows 98 beer never want to drink any other type of beer. They are also always spouting off about how great it is that is is better than Mac beer and Mac beer drinkers then remind them that Mac beer was like that eight years ago.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Claimed to be the "standard" drink by some companies even though all the employees hate it.
Windows 2000/NT5 Beer: Comes in 32 oz cans that are supposed be like a supercharged lite beer. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, and different brews that all taste different, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. (Different brands taste completely different). The pop-top was designed by hard core packaging engineers and requires special instructions and a tool to learn how to open it. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. Be careful, you must match the brand of your food with the brand of your Unix Beer.
AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Mac Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Linux Beer: This beer is free and is sold by a company called Red Hat. It is brewed all over the world. Its drinkers claim that, since everyone in the world had a hand in brewing it, it is the best beer of all - that it is everything all other beers are, and more - that the pop-tops never break - it has never exploded, and never will - it never fills you up - you'll never have to go the rest room - you don't have to re-cycle the cans - and it cures all ills. All this even though Red Hat sounds like a better name for a beer. If you drink Linux Beer, then you must also eat food which is compatible with Linux Beer and there isn't much of it and it all tastes bad.
This page was last updated: 31 Mar 2004